Friend. How do you define that word? It was a question my friend Jane made me really think about. We were having a play date on a Friday afternoon — a great way to end the week and get our kids together for an afternoon of fun. However, our play dates look a bit different than other play dates that you might see. We both have two children — a child with autism and a child who is typically developing. On this particular rainy Friday afternoon, my Mae Mae and Jane’s six year old son Tucker were happily playing together in our playroom. They were playing with dinosaurs and making an elaborate little village for them to live in. The dinosaur village included a Barbie bed, car, and the ever important dinosaur potty. You could hear them giggling and directing each other’s play. It was truly a gift to watch and to hear. The brightness in their eyes, the excitement in their voices, and their genuine desire to play together made a warm place in my heart.
Just down the hall, Dawson watched Baby Beethoven as he sat curled up in my lap. Jane swung her four year old son Tommy in a therapeutic swing that we have in our door jamb. Our children were not rushing into the playroom to play to be with their siblings. Playing with toys and other children is beyond difficult for Dawson and Tommy. It would be like asking me to go over to England and drive on the left side of the road. It would feel so strange and I would be terrified to even try.
Jane and I began to talk. I shared that I was so excited to watch Mae Mae develop friendships. To watch her hug her friends when they come over to play and to listen to her talk about her “best friends.” I talked about how different it is for Mae Mae to be invited to birthday parties and so many play dates because Dawson does not have friends. After almost four years in this world of autism, I was learning to be okay with that. Jane told me that she was not okay with Tommy not having friends. She said she was still holding onto hope that Tommy would make friends, get invited to birthday parties, and experience the joy that Mae Mae and Tucker experience when they are with others their own age. She said that if she gave up on this, then she would be giving up on hope for Tommy.
I listened to Jane and her words made me think.
What is friendship?
How do you define it?
To me, a friend is someone you share common experiences with. When you are young, a friend is a person who you run in the rain with, build forts with, and sell lemonade with in your front yard. As you get older, a friend is the person who holds you when your heart is broken over “that guy” and then stands next to you when you finally marry the “right guy.” As you get even older, which is where I am now, a friend is the person who supports you when you stop drinking and does not judge when you tell them that you feel that your marriage is falling apart. A friend is safe. A friend is present.
Based on that, Dawson has friends! He has had friends and I was just not seeing them. I just needed to step back and take a look at the beautiful, unique, and most special friendships that my son has formed during the past six years. He has his sister Mae Mae, who loves him with all of her heart, and I know that he loves her. Dawson and Mae Mae have their moments of playing tickling games together and curling up next to each other in the morning to watch PBS Kids in our bed. It is a special friendship,their brother-sister relationship.
Dawson also has the many teachers and therapists that he has laughed and played with over the years with special games that only they know. It is like they have made a special club house in the trees with a sign on it that says “Teachers and Therapists Only.” In this club house, they play the special “tickle spider” games, marble tower games, “fly like an airplane” games, and circle time games. In these moments, in this safe place with his friends, my son has learned to interact and to talk. He has built relationships with these most special people. He has learned from them and they have learned from him. A mutual and most sacred exchange of friendship.
Then there are also the most kindhearted children who he gets excited to see when we go to their houses. He may jump up and down when he sees them or he might hug them one too many times. The only conversation that he may be able to attempt with them will most likely be about shapes, colors, or his favorite video. I know with all of my heart that Dawson sees these children as friends. I also truly believe that they see Dawson as a most special unique friend. They may not ask him over for play dates and they might struggle with what to say when he does not respond to his name or their questions, but I also know they get excited to see Dawson smile and that they truly care about him. What more can a person ask for in a friendship?
So giggling children in a play room, talking moms sharing fears, and being held in a swing and in a mother’s arm — they are all friendships. Different friendships born in different ways with a common thread of love.
I hold onto the hope that through his life, my son will continue to be surrounded by a community of friends. Friends who he laughs with and cries with. Friends who he seeks out for comfort. Friends who he learns from and friends who learn from him. It is like the song that I learned when I was in Girl Scouts: “Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold.” I think Dawson will have both — a little silver and a little gold. Maybe even a little bronze too.
Copyright © cheairs graves April 20, 2011